It’s getting hot in here.
Last weekend, I managed to get myself a little bit sunburnt [while sipping cocktails under the mist spray at Naked in the Sky and pretending that I was somewhere fun and exotic, and not about to head back to my cramped and un-airconditioned flat]. And by “a little bit sunburnt”, I mean that my chest and shoulders were rivalling my hair with their redness1. It wasn’t pretty.
This burn has since faded into a tan, giving me the appearance of somebody who enjoys spending these hot days outside, rather than lying on their bed in front of a pedestal fan wearing little more than a wet flannel.
You may think that I’d be used to hot Australian summers by now, having lived in this country for pretty much my entire life. But the truth is that the heat renders me absolutely useless. As the temperature reaches 30 degrees, my cognitive function begins to slow. And once it’s past 40, well, I’m basically Manny from Black Books when he’s suffering from Dave’s Syndrome.
This past month has been particularly unbearable. Several days have surpassed “hotter than Ryan Gosling with his shirt off”, heading into “hotter than – I don’t even know what’s hotter than Ryan Gosling!”2 territory. I’ve been fairly delusional, trying to work out a way to dive through my computer screen and into a photo of polar vortex-affected Chicago. Frozen toilets I can deal with, but lying in a puddle of my own sweat, eating my 27th Calippo of the day? I just can’t deal with this any more! Calippos are expensive – especially when you’re on a 3 box a day habit.
Today is thankfully a little cooler, which hopefully means that no more people will be losing their homes/lives/animals in bushfires. Please consider this sentence my disclaimer, in which I clarify that I do not at all consider my problems to be anywhere near as bad as those people who have suffered from devastating losses during this heat.
The only thing I have lost is my mind.
And I can’t be sure that I had a very tight hold on it to begin with.
1. Sunburn is bad, kids. Remember to slip, slop, slap.
2. I’m not even that into Ryan Gosling… I was just looking for a universal constant in terms of “hotness”, and I’m pretty sure he’s the standard these days.