5 more ways for women living alone to protect themselves.
Twitter recently informed me that Victoria Police have the following advice on their website, directed at women living alone:
— Brighette Ryan (@brighetteryan) March 19, 2015
But why stop there? Here are some more ways for solo living ladies to protect themselves:
1. While your male friend and/or relative is recording your new answering machine message, get him to record some other key phrases – such as “Make me a sandwich, bitch!”, “I like sports!”, “Not all men!”, “Have you seen the latest episode of Two and a Half Men?”, “I’m a man!”, etc. – and set up a timer so that one or more sentence is repeated every ten minutes or so.
2. Strategically place life-sized cardboard cutouts of the members of One Direction near all the windows in your home, making it appear to potential intruders that you constantly have company of the young male variety.
3. Engrave a plaque with “Mr & Mrs. [surname of your choice – not your own, of course, you’d have to take your husband’s]” and affix it to your front door.
4. Take some stage make-up lessons and learn how to make yourself look bloody and bruised before leaving the house – if they see that somebody else has already beaten you up, they might just leave you alone!
5. Buy ten thousand cats, and train them to attack every single person who approaches your house.
As a young woman living alone in a new town, I shall soon be implementing all of the above tips, and if you’re in the same boat, you should do the same. Or just go find a strong man to live with you, you weak and pathetic little thing.